Everything All at Once Read online

  Prologue

  First Day

  Morning State

  D4L (part 1) Geography: 9.36 A.M.

  Outside French

  Double Agent

  Anyone

  Michael vs his Brain (again)

  Vending Machine

  D4L (part 2) Playground: 10.48 A.M.

  It’s Complicated

  Science Block Toilets

  Dear Mum, BTEC

  Good Girl

  As I Watch

  Fraud

  It Happened this Morning, Now Everything’s Changed

  Mr Bailey

  Gazelle

  Lunch Line

  Thanks a Lot, Belinda

  Fight

  Staffroom

  Nothing Else

  D4L (part 3) Science Block Toilets: 1.36 P.M.

  Goal

  New Guy

  Snow

  Careers Advice

  Double Science

  Something Starts

  Real World

  Across a Room

  Cracks

  Those Who Can’t

  Constructs

  D4L (part 4) Library: 3.31 P.M.

  HMS Big School

  Detention

  Like Minds

  Fresh Fish

  Parting Thought

  What’s it about then?

  Well,

  It’s about the tapestry of moments, woven of a thousand threads.

  Different versions of the world swirling inside a thousand heads.

  We go from the biggest to the smallest, dropped off, left to fend,

  in the secondary school jungle jumbled enemies, new friends.

  It’s a war zone. It’s a haven. It’s a stage full of bright lights.

  It’s a series of scary alleyways walked on a dark night.

  Always moving. Unforgiving.

  Full of music. Full of living.

  Zoom in. One mind. Split screen. Another mind. Another mind.

  Another mind. Another mind.

  And another mind.

  All together. Same place.

  Same walls. Same space.

  Every emotion under the sun. Faith lost. Victories won.

  It doesn’t stop.

  Until the bell. Now it’s heaven. Now it’s hell.

  Who knows? Not me.

  I just wrote what I can see.

  So what’s it about?

  Here’s my response:

  It’s about Everything, All At Once.

  It looks like a spaceship

  a jagged silver spaceship

  windows like portals

  reflecting the light

  no

  it looks like the head of

  a massive metal monster

  its sliding glass mouth

  with teeth ready to bite

  no

  it looks like it sprouted right

  out of the floor

  ripped through rock, dirt and gravel

  burst out of the ground

  no

  it looks like it fell

  from some alien planet

  crash-landed on earth

  with some terrible sound

  no

  it looks like

  it looks like

  I don’t know what it looks like

  Massive and scary

  Noisy

  Alive

  I feel like a mouse

  stepping into the jungle

  Tell my mum that I love her

  I’m going inside.

  Through the gates

  past the bikes

  wave to Tanya

  dodge a fight

  Text to Mum

  Arrived. I’m safe

  switch it off

  they confiscate

  Cut past science

  slip inside

  wave of students

  catch a ride

  Reach the toilets

  fix my face

  check my homework

  pencil case

  Meet Sabrina

  by the hall

  Were you on Facebook?

  You see his wall?

  Walk together

  through the rush

  spot Jerome

  secret crush

  Mr Thomas

  warden stare

  too much stomach

  not much hair

  Outside form room

  join the line

  Zak and Sean are trying to rhyme

  Michaela’s shouting

  something mean

  Theresa’s crying

  drama queen

  It’s just the standard

  morning state

  another Monday

  in Year 8.

  Did you hear about Lisa?

  What? Why you whispering?

  Lisa

  Which Lisa?

  Lisa Lisa

  My Lisa?

  No

  Year 10 Lisa?

  Is Lisa in Year 10?

  Year 10 Lisa is

  OK, yeah

  Year 10 Lisa?

  Yeah

  What about her?

  You didn’t hear?

  Hear what?

  Oh, man

  What?

  Her and thingy?

  Her and who?

  At the party

  What party?

  On Saturday. Liam’s party.

  You were there?

  Nah, I had to go to my cousin’s, but I heard

  Heard what?

  Her and thingy

  Thingy who?

  Oh, my days

  Tell me!

  Shhh! I’ll tell you later. She’s looking.

  No she isn’t

  Yes she is

  Tell me now

  Sorry, Miss. Nothing. Just about the work. Sorry.

  Yes, Miss, about the work. Sorry.

  We will, Miss. Yeah.

  Yes, Miss. Course. Sorry.

  I’m a dot

  in one of those pictures

  made up of dots

  the ones

  where you zoom out and see

  the face of Yoda

  Only in this one

  when you zoom out

  you just see me

  much older.

  Je m’appelle Yusef

  J’ai quatorze ans

  J’aime jouer au football et lire des bandes dessinées

  J’ai deux frères plus âgés

  Je fais semblant que je ne suis pas bon en français

  Mais,

  Ma mère vient de Toulouse

  Nous parlons seulement français à la maison

  Donc ça a toujours l’impression de tricher

  Pardon.

  Sorry.

  So it always feels like cheating

  We only speak French at home

  My mum is from Toulouse

  But,

  I pretend I’m not good at French

  I have two older brothers

  I like playing football and reading comics

  I’m fourteen

  My name is Yusef

  Everyone’s writing

  except me

  blank page

  staring back

  like it’s laughing

  saying,

  What’s wrong with you?

  What is wrong with me?

  Why don’t you get it?

  Why don’t I get it?

  Are you stupid?

  Am I stupid?

  Why are you just sitting here, frozen?

  I don’t know

  What is this feeling?

  Feels like pain

  like actual pain

  like it hurts

  to not know

  what every
one else does

  how come it’s only me

  who seems to be

  lost?

  Don’t stare.

  Don’t stare.

  Why you staring for?

  I’m not.

  I’m not.

  I don’t wanna.

  You’re staring. Stop staring.

  I’m trying to

  help you, if they see you

  stare

  you’re a goner.

  So don’t let me stare, think

  of

  something else

  It’s not me.

  It is you.

  You’re doing it

  I am not.

  It’s you.

  What am I meant to do?

  Just do something that’s not

  gonna

  ruin it.

  Why you singing? Stop singing

  Who’s singing?

  You’re singing! You can’t sing

  you’ll give

  us away

  But you love singing.

  No I don’t!

  Yes you do.

  So what!

  That’s still no reason

  to say.

  Now what are you doing?

  Nothing

  You’re dancing

  I’m not

  Yes you are! You’re really not getting it.

  You can’t dance

  I can dance

  I know, but not here you dance and I end

  up

  regretting it

  So what can I do?

  Nothing.

  You can do nothing. Just sit here

  and don’t

  make a sound

  Just let me blend in

  You don’t wanna blend in

  I know, but I have to

  for

  now.

  I can’t believe her

  and Carly won’t say, but I know she can’t either.

  I had to get away from them to try and get a breather

  cos I swear I could feel my blood running up a fever

  I can’t tell if it’s real, or some nightmarish dream

  as I walk to the lower school vending machine

  She knew I liked him.

  I told her back on the end of Year 9 trip.

  Four nights in Ireland, sharing a room,

  her saying she thought it was best to stay silent,

  You shouldn’t let him know yet, you need to be sure

  Let me speak to my brother, they’ve been friends since Year 4.

  What a snake.

  She tricked me and made her own plan.

  I take out my money to pay for my can.

  The nerve of her.

  I bet he’d never even heard of her. Now she’s happily stepped in to steal my life

  like a murderer.

  Money in. Button pushed.

  Heavy heart. Stomach crushed.

  I should slap her.

  Yeah right. Like that’s gonna happen.

  There’s a bunch of Year 8s by the cloak room all rapping

  badly

  bobbing and waving hands madly and the one on the end

  yeah, he’s staring

  right at me. Like,

  right at me.

  And it’s like his eyes shoot out this small bolt of happy.

  Bless him.

  My heavy heart is telling me that I should send a message

  to let him know I’ve noticed and that the feeling is a present.

  His friends don’t even clock it how he’s not inside their bubble

  and he has no idea how much that look can lead to trouble.

  Trust me, little man,

  You leave yourself exposed when your heart is there to see

  and some evil feet will trample on the part that makes you free

  but I promise you, it’s worth it

  the magic

  the frozen space and time

  sometimes it leaves you powerless, but now the power’s mine.

  So I smile

  Right at him. Like,

  right at him

  see it land

  the bell goes

  he understands

  It’s possible

  you never know, stay ready, be a fighter

  Then

  I take my can and walk away

  my heart a little lighter.

  Yo, you hear about David?

  Which David?

  What you mean, which David? David

  With the ponytail?

  Nah, with the hi-top

  Hi-Top David?

  Yes

  What happened?

  You didn’t hear?

  Hear what?

  Him and thingy

  Thingy who?

  Exactly. Right?

  What?

  At the party

  Which party?

  On Saturday. Liam’s party. You should’ve been there, fam

  You went?

  Nah, I just heard

  Heard what?

  About David, are you listening?

  You didn’t say anything

  I’m trying to tell you. David.

  Hi-Top David.

  Yo, can I speak?

  Yeah

  Bum, so David, yeah?

  Yeah?

  And thingy, at Liam’s party, on Saturday, one sec. Yo, Marlon! How you gonna miss from there,

  man? You see that?

  Tell me about David

  Oh yeah, yeah, so David, yeah?

  Yeah.

  Oh yo, that’s the bell. I got History. I can’t be late again, trust me, Mr Bailey is gunning for man

  Hold up, what about David? And thingy? At the party?

  Relax, fam. I’ll tell you at lunch.

  Shauna said that

  Leia said that

  Jordan said it’s over

  He changed his status yesterday

  before he even told her

  And now although I’m Leia’s friend and should offer my shoulder

  I’m kinda hoping Jordan will be mine

  like he’s supposed to.

  The drip of the tap like

  the tick of a clock

  as I sit on the top of the seat gripping the lock

  It’s break-time and I’m hiding

  not from anyone

  really

  I just wanted some time without anyone near me

  to breathe

  in the midst of the chaos and noise

  hyena girls and megaphone boys

  police captain mannequin teachers

  a gaggle of mad daggering laminate features

  leeches attach on to top of the pack creatures

  between bells they speak spells to keep sweet the divas

  a legion of chair feet screeches

  and I feel the bones in my ears crack

  the CD skips

  between these lips, my tongue whispers

  You won’t ever get these years back.

  So I’m here

  to sit

  while the crowds are outside

  in my graffitied bubble

  I pause and unwind.

  And I read lines, scribbled and scratched into patterns

  declarations of feelings

  bad stuff that’s happened

  Sophie loves Toby 4 eva

  NO, COS SOPHIE KISSED JONAH

  ON THE COACH DOWN TO DEVON

  No I never Why you lying?

  No she’s not. I saw you. Slapper. Stop crying.

  I HATE MATHS!

  Me too!

  CARA G IS A BITCH

  NO SHE’S NOT

  YOU ARE

  FOR SCRIBBLING THIS

  The voices ring out

  ricochet off the walls

  and I’m trapped

  in a casket of angry catcalls

  my hand falls from the lock. I reach for my bag. The door starts to

  creak. I smell bleach and I gag

  and the voices are sc
reeching

  the volume has risen

  my toilet seat haven morphed into a prison

  Then the bell goes

  and no ring ever sounded so sweet

  I pull open the door as I get to my feet

  quick check in the mirror

  Face is fine. All clear.

  The tap drips approval and

  the one voice I hear

  is a small one

  from a cubicle deep down

  inside me

  saying,

  Next time you want peace

  just go to the library.

  I know you don’t get it

  the pleasure I feel

  when I push down the pedal

  the turn of the wheel

  the buzz of the sander

  the whirr of the drill

  I breathe in the wood

  my heart starts to fill

  No words. No numbers.

  No wasps in my brain

  just the weight of the hammer

  the bulb of the plane

  my hands move

  and things happen

  I make grooves

  and sing patterns

  into pieces of trees

  into plastic

  and metal

  feel the dust of the day

  in my head start to settle

  Sand. Repeat. Sand. Repeat.

  Touch. Feel. Smooth. Complete.

  It’s a language that I speak

  one that’s disappearing

  in the forest of the school

  my favourite lesson is a clearing

  Everything else feels like shoes

  that don’t fit.

  I can’t stare at a computer

  I can’t scribble while I sit

  I have to be in it.

  Touch it. Feel it

  scratch my skin. Test my grip.

  Show myself what real is.

  Exams don’t suit me.

  I don’t suit exams.

  I understand the system

  But, I’m drawing other plans

  So don’t worry when I tell you

  that Uni’s not the path I see

  I’ll build a future for myself, Mum,